Facilitated by Shawndel N. Fraser M.A. and Dr. Shenell D. Evans

*This title, which is entertaining, provocative, and true, was inspired by a friend of a friend who is an active advocate. Despite being a White man, he demonstrates his commitment to equality and justice through his career focus and personal politics. His work is dedicated to serving underserved Black students in an urban area. Even when tear gassed at a BLM protest in 2020, he did not run away. Instead, he purchased milk to wash his eyes and face, and continued to participate in the protests day after day. He goes beyond being labeled as an “ally”. In our view, this is the only way to become an agent of meaningful sociocultural change within one’s sphere of influence.

The phrase “invited to the cookout” is a hyperbolic colloquialism in the Black American community. It signifies when a person from a different ethnic or racial background is considered socially safe and friendly enough to attend a Black people’s cookout. These cookouts have culturally rooted rules, standards of engagement, communication, and culture-based activities. Essentially, it is about meeting the criteria to be invited into a predominantly Black space and participate in a social bonding activity.

FACILITATOR BIOGRAPHIES

Shawndel N. Fraser, M.A. is an Environmental Psychologist and Creative Healing Coach specializing in ecofeminism, deep ecology, visual and deconstructionist cultural analysis, and personal transformation. Combined with her nature- and gratitude-based esoteric spirituality, she unites physical and social science with spiritual understanding to facilitate radically honest conversation, healing confrontation, and transformation.

Dr. Shenell Evans is a licensed psychologist, speaker, professor and post-traumatic growth oracle with a private practice in NYC. She provides safe and sacred spaces for career high-performers who may not be flourishing in other areas of life. Her biopsychosocial-spiritual approach facilitates healthy coping and deep healing from chronic/invisible health conditions associated with multi-generational systemic exposure to inequity, violence and trauma.

SET THE TONE

Shawndel and Dr. Shenell brought an inviting, nonjudgmental, and wise presence to the group. They established a strong presence as experienced and knowledgeable facilitators.

Shawndel and Dr. Shenell began by acknowledging a sense of the sacred and engaging the spirit—they set up an altar, brought awareness to the seven chakras, played music, grounded participants in bodily awareness and breathing, and sang an invocation to invite all to arrive in presence.

They guided the group through housekeeping rules for the conversation, providing clarity on purpose and expectations:

  • Listen to comprehend
  • Leave devil’s advocates out of the conversation; there is no need to senselessly disagree
  • Be precise with words
  • Use “I” statements, avoid declarations
  • Honor the 30-second rule to keep any one participant from monopolizing the conversation

ACTIVITY

“Who are they, really?”

Worksheets and pens were circulated. Participants paired off with strangers in the group.

Part 1: Answer a set of questions about your partner that requires you to take note of your own assumptions. Without asking, assume your partner’s: race, ethnicity, religion, political orientation, comfort level sharing their political orientation, level of prejudice, experience level with the conversation topic, motivation for attending, ability to implement what they learn in the conversation, and level of health, safeness, and trustworthiness.

Part 2: Answer the same questions about yourself.

Part 3: Share your assumptions with your partner.

The group reconvened. Pairs were invited to share observations from their exchange with the larger group.

LESSONS AND DISCUSSION POINTS

Shawndel and Dr. Shenell facilitated deep learning and practical improvement through exercises that helped participants witness and confront the tendency to prejudge others. They also helped participants understand what it is like to be misunderstood themselves. The facilitators made room for both personal sharing and professional learning. Throughout the conversation, as participants shared personal anecdotes and feelings, facilitators opened space for collective processing. Participants discussed what resonated with them about each anecdote, who could relate, and why the circumstance felt significant. This facilitated self-reflection on what was learned, why it was relevant, and how the experience or anecdote might help them move forward with care and intention. Each time the group approached a particularly sensitive subject, Dr. Shenell guided participants back to bodily awareness, asking, “Where does that emotion sit? Do you feel a tension, a tightening in your body when you hear someone’s wrong assumption about you?”

Below are the major teaching points that came from Shawndel and Dr. Shenell throughout the conversation:

  • Symbols of acceptance (such as pride flags and BLM signs) can be worn personally and displayed publicly to make communities safe for new people
  • When you notice you are avoiding eye contact with Black people or people who aren’t usually in your community, check yourself. If by chance, your eyes meet, you are sending a message if you look away furtively. It could project to a person of color or any person who is “othered” in the community that you feel awkward, sending a message that they don’t belong and making them feel unwelcome. There’s an alternative: breathe, smile, offer a kind face. Share genuine enthusiasm and a sense of welcome. Body language and deep breathing are critical to non-violent (and welcoming) communication. Once you catch yourself, you can reset your nervous system with the breath and a smile, set your intent to be welcoming, and, if it flows naturally, you may choose to approach the person and offer a greeting.
  • Shawndel: “When welcoming strangers, what can you do differently, if anything, to avoid projecting a false version of yourself moving forward? In other words, if you have a stranger in your midst, what could they possibly do to stop you from pre-judging them? It’s up to you to stop the pre-judgement cycle. In order to be welcoming to others, you need to remain grounded in your breath and your body, be conscious of your thoughts, and offer a kind face, even if you are out of sorts.”
  • When approaching and welcoming someone new to the community, engage with gentle curiosity and lean back into your questions. Instead of a territorial question like, “What are you doing here?” try talking about the weather, lighter things, and just be present and loving.
  • Be present with strangers and transmute the feeling of being startled into a feeling of enthusiasm. This is an anxiety management technique to address stress responses in the body.
  • One participant said, “I don’t see difference.” The facilitators’ response: We are different. Seeing difference is the heart connection that allows for nuanced exchanges. There is no need to erase difference; difference is enrichment. Acknowledge, share, explore, celebrate, and connect through difference. It is safe, it’s not inherently threatening.
  • Instead of countering each other, we can work to counter the things that separate us (ideas or imposed social or environmental structures.)
  • Grappling with attachment to an anger response means that we are stuck in our egos. If you sense the feeling of being “so right,” let it pass. Ego and righteous indignation are not foundational to sustainable activism.
  • Use gratitude as a grounding practice, one that keeps us out of reactivity.
  • Question everything, including ourselves, and our reactions. Acknowledge our assumptions. Biases and assumptions transform into systems. We must be mindful of what our own notion is versus the truth of who or what we may be judging. Kind curiosity and willingness to listen yields answers and positive exchanges.
  • If we perceive others as enemies/opponents, then that is what we create. Our own practice as individuals is to be authentic in ourselves and to project our true nature. Be curious about others versus automatically putting ourselves in opposition to them.
  • The supremacist within is most accepting of those who are perceived as similar to self (cultural programming.) Do we extend our sense of optimism to those who look and act nothing like us? What do we assume about their personality and ability level if we “other” them and feel they are different from ourselves?
  • We can all practice tightening up the loop that exists between our values and what we present to the world. What do I value? Who do I value? What value do I add to the world?
  • Live out our values every single day. “What is your core desired feeling?” as discussed by Adrienne Maree Brown. What can you do to honor that today? What do I currently show to the world? Do I represent my values in the way I show up? Do my presentation, communication, and actions align with my values? What can I do differently to show my values in the most authentic way?

READING LIST

From Shawndel N. Fraser:

  • Adrienne Maree Brown
  • Cherie Dimaline, Marrow Thieves (Indigenous North American Science Fiction Audiobook); Dystopian yet accurately symbolic story with excellent psychological and humanizing depictions of indigenous people in various situations. Emotionally evocative, sociopolitically keen, and empathy inducing to the utmost. The audiobook is tremendous.
  • Stephanie Foo, What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma
  • Justina Ireland, The Rust in the Root (African American science fiction, audiobook; book) Dystopian, historical science fiction, powerful symbolism, a hero’s journey that sheds light on the individual contributions to systems and transformation of all kinds.
  • Ibram X. Kendi, “How to be an Anti-Racist.”
  • Robin Wall Kimmerer, Braiding Sweetgrass (book or audiobook narrated by the First Nation Plant Ecologist, Educator, and Author). Non-Fiction: restoration of indigenous wisdom, deep ecology, biography and nature writing, historical memoir, environmental healing action, practices to heal the land; incessantly beautiful and emotionally and visually evocative prose.
  • Resmaa Menakem, “My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending our Hearts and Bodies.”
  • Bryan Stevenson, Equal Justice Initiative
  • Sally E. Svenson, “Blacks in the Adirondacks: A History.”
  • How Culture Shapes us:

From Dr. Shenell Evans: